Blue Christmas

Sometimes I miss my mom so much my heart aches.  Mostly I am fine, and I have many good memories and I share them and I am fine. But sometimes, like tonight it sneaks up on me and I am not fine.

Tonight started off well enough, cookie sampler social at church, then a candlelit family service. I enjoyed seeing so many familiar friendly faces.  Then we went to my in-laws for a traditional red & green enchilada dinner. A coworker joined us and that was nice. Then after dinner was over we headed home.

Then I saw my friend Texas Jay posted a lovely tribute to his mom on FB and I teared up, couldn’t help it, although I tried. Then my sister Jenni was texting me, and she is really missing my Mom tonight and that was pretty much it. I have been crying on and off since then.  

Here is the thing. I miss her so much that it hurts me sometimes.  She might not have been the best mom, but she was the best mom for me.  It does not feel fair that she has been gone so long, and that so much has happened that she missed. And why tonight? Why Christmas eve when I should be wrapping presents or drinking eggnog or kissing Kathleen under some mistletoe.  I really don’t have those answers.

So I went looking for a picture of my Mom and Jenni and I to share.  I can’t really find the one I want, and mostly I think that is because all my photo albums are still in Colorado, instead I found this picture.  I like this picture because of what you don’t know.  My Mom had come to Oklahoma to see us and while she was here she decided she needed to get her hair trimmed. So I made her an appointment with the woman who cut my hair, who tried to persuade my mom to cut her hair short.  My mom declined, having had short hair for years.  And so my mom got what she later referred to as big Texas hair.  It was big, and blow dried, and teased and back combed and really really big.  You can’t see it in this picture because of course she went home and brushed all the product out of her hair and did her best to make it look like normal person hair.

That mental image of my mom with great big Texas church lady hair is what I am holding on to tonight, what is bringing me my cheer tonight.

Merry Christmas.  Do me a favor? Love each other.