Day Five 2016

The year without a Santa Claus…

Imagine if you will, a year without Santa.  Ok, I have said before that Kathleen and I did not do Santa with our boys, because of…reasons.  But imagine that you were a child that did believe in Santa and that suddenly one year, he didn’t come.  You still have Christmas, but it’s not as shiny, not as bright, not as joyful.  That is some of what I am feeling now.  I am not naive enough to believe that the whole world should be joyful this time of year, but just for 25 days I would like MY life to be joyful.  At the very least, I’d like to not be depressingly sad.

So, rather than dwell on the latest hurt, let’s talk about Christmas 1998.  Now the year before, Christmas 1997 had been an amazing year, Kathleen was pregnant with Paul, my Mom and my sister Jenni surprised us right before our party and stayed through Christmas.  That wasn’t the only surprise, Steph and Clyde came up from Wister of course, and Brian and Kathy Gibson came to the party, and Brian Stephens drove all the way from Colorado to be there, bringing his dog Odie, who was mostly chow with him.  My favorite thing about Odie was that she was our dog Angel’s puppy.  How a Chihuahua/dachshund gave birth to a part chow puppy, I’ll never know, but it’s true. 

Our townhouse was filled with people, and I paid Baby Scott $7.85 to take peoples coats up the stairs to my bedroom, so I wouldn’t have to run up and down the stairs.  Why $7.85?  I offered him $5 but he told me he needed $7.85 because he was saving for a street hockey set to use with his roller blades.  Ahh the 90’s.  With bargaining tactics like that, how could I refuse?

The living room held the largest tree we’d had to date, elevated ceilings made a giant 7 foot tree a necessity. There were candles everywhere, and white twinkle lights.  Kathleen looked lovely in black velvet and pearls, and Stephanie was beautiful in a black top with bejeweled buttons and vibrant head scarf.  Elisa Gail’s Christmas dress from me was crushed red velvet and cream lace, and her shoes fit her fine that year.

The menu was the epitome of pre-2001 menus.  The ‘yard of beef’ beef stick, an assortment of cheeses, a round cheese ball (thank you Mary Price for the recipe) and a cheese log, the veggie tray had my dill dip, and the spinach dip.  I also made a version of a veggie dip with tofu because my Mom and Jenni were vegan that year (although I saw Jenni eating cookies and drinking eggnog). We had cranberry punch, and eggnog, and plenty of ‘grown up’ drinks.  For desserts there were 3 types of fudge, (chocolate, peanut butter, and butterscotch), cookies, and tiny angel shaped mints that were dipped in white chocolate.  

All this description to say, it was a good year. A very good year.  An extraordinary year.  We felt surrounded by our family and people who loved us, and were looking forward to becoming parents. I have heard it said that you can;t always tell when you are happiest becuase you are thinking about other things, but I think we knew we were happy, blissfuly happy, and not in tune enough to know that it wasn't likely to come around again.

Christmas party 1998 was not that.  It was possibly as far from that as could be. I had been training for 8 weeks in Tulsa for a new job, living in an apartment Mon-Fri and coming home on the weekends.  Kat was working in MWC, and struggling as a single mom.  We knew at Thanksgiving that Stephanie and Clyde and Elisa Gail would not be coming for the party and unless some miracle occurred, it was not likely Stephanie would be attending any more.

I finished training a week before the party, at the ‘graduation’ they announced that the company had filed for bankruptcy but not to worry, it would be business as usual. I came back to Oklahoma City and worked 3 days, Monday night they announced the company wide Christmas party had been canceled, but not to worry, business as usual.  Tuesday they announced that all the new hires that had all the fabulous benefits that were supposed to kick in January 1, would have to wait 6 months, minimum. But not to worry, business as usual.  Wednesday night after work they said, anyone who had the company insurance, should not use their insurance, until after the first of the year. But not to worry… It looked like the writing was on the wall; I had lunch with my former boss on Thursday and asked for my At The Beach job back, and got the ok to start back on the Monday after our party.

  

So, overall, not in a good place getting ready for the party.  Wednesday night I think Kat suggested changing the menu, completely.  So we did, we still had fudge, and eggnog, but we subbed in hot apple cider, and no cookie press cookies, just chocolate chip style cookies.  No beef stick and cheeseball, instead we did an interesting soy sauce soaked cream cheese spread sprinkled with toasted sesame seeds.  Kat added a warm appetizer of sliced sweet potatoes with a dollop of sour cream and sprinkle of fresh dill. 

Instead of decorating the house with a big tree and all the trimmings, I hung the twinkle lights from the ceiling beams and that was it.  Kat put her nativity on the mantle and we called it done.  

The crowd was smaller too.  Some years when the party is closer to Christmas we have a smaller crowd, so we weren’t expecting a big turn out, but I think all told we had 8-10.  The Powells were there, and the Allens, and Najah and Karen Hylton, and Mike and Donita Fisher, and Tammy Johnson.  That was it.  

Even though it was smaller, the party was lovely, and there was lots of laughter.  How could any party with my Paul not be full of laughter?  Every person that came in the door surprised him and he yelled HEY! At them, as though asking ‘where did you come from?’  Paul and Katie and Riley played and had fun until there was no more fun to be had.  Then Katie and Riley went home and Paul got his jammies, and Najah held him for the longest time, and she explained how the parties where everyone comes are all the same, everyone telling her how much she has grown and how much she looks like her mom.  This may have been the year she asked if we knew any other black people we could invite in the future.

What did we learn that year? That year that didn’t shine as brightly as the year before? That year that held the promise of future loss?  That even in the darkest nights that we are not alone, that our family is here, that people we love as though they are family are here, that my Paul can always make me smile, and that even when I can’t see God in any of this, maybe He is still here.