Day 11. Texas Jay

I am telling you right now that I wasn't sure if I would be able to post this or not.  I have mentioned my friend Texas Jay before.  His name is Jay and he lives in Texas. (In case you are slow to learn and didn’t figure that from his moniker).  What can I say about Jay?  Kat calls him a small tall man. He is meticulous in his choice of stationary. My Matthew grew up thinking Jay owns Texas Roadhouse. He loves me more than his luggage.  I call him for fashion advice when I am shopping.

one does want a spot of color

I have been friends with Jay since 1999, but I haven’t actually met him in person.  He is a very good friend and today is his birthday.  I think he is turning 56 if my math is correct. ~smirk

AARP poster boy

I am blessed beyond words to have Jay as my friend.  In addition to wishing Jay birthday wishes I have been praying for Jay often this holiday season.  His mother passed away in November.  I know how difficult that loss is, and I grieve for my friend to have lost the one person to whom he was the sun and the moon.

Here in the midst of the holiday season, feeling the loss of a loved one, you have to wonder what advice do you give to help him? Do you decorate and go to parties and all that as though the person was still here?  Do you boycott everything festive because it hurts too much?  My first Christmas without my mom was also my Matthew’s first Christmas and I struggled between the extreme of doing too much and not wanting to do anything at all.  My Mother had often told me when I was thirsty to have a drink of water; meaning feel the feelings I was having in the moment, and embrace it.  When I missed her terribly, I could hear her saying “I know” and it sustained me.

So today on Jay’s birthday my message to him is the same his mother’s daily message to him “"be careful, have a safe day, eat something, call me when you can. I love you"

Consuelo Gomez Torres

Day 10. Little bit of backstory

I am working on an entry for the 11^th but there is so much back story that it is going to take 2 entries.  So consider this back story and necessary to the advancement of the plot.  So this is COMPLETELY not the Phantom Menace of my blog. 

When I was in college my Mom was very involved with social justice causes in Tucson AZ, and one of the ones close to her heart was the plight of the homeless.  There were so many homeless people living on the streets in Tucson, some sent there from other states by city officials to clean up their cities homeless problems.  My Mom organized the parents of her school to provided food for the Casa Maria, she volunteered some nights when the church provided emergency shelter for the homeless when the temperatures dropped below freezing, and annually she camped out at the capital on Christmas eve as part of a big demonstration to remind those in power that Jesus was homeless himself when he was born.

In addition to these traditional ways of showing support for the homeless community my Mom also participated in a few civil disobedience protests that had to potential to get her arrested.  One year, December 1989, the Homeless Coalition broke into a vacant house that was in the university/downtown area and claimed it as a homeless shelter.  The home was owned by the city, had been vacant for years and had running utilities.  The point of the demonstration was to let the people of Tucson know that the city owned dozens of homes like this that were not being used for anything, so the argument that there was no funding to provide temporary housing for families in crisis, and nowhere to house them was something of a misrepresentation.  Since the protest was over Christmas break I was there with my Mom. 

Mostly the protest consisted of standing around outside in the cold listening to speeches and then later going in the house where it was warm and having a cup of warm apple cider and then going home.  All in all, it was a relatively minor event in my history.

In December 2000 I was back in Tucson with my Mom for a surgery that was supposed to be for an ovarian cyst but turned out to be cancer.  A few days before the surgery we were driving around town and happened to drive past that house where the protest was held.  I said to my Mom “Hey was that…” and before I could even really formulate the rest of the question she said “Yes it was”.  Then she said words that stick with me, even today.  She said “I know, remember that Jud, I know”.

The summer of 2001 when I was in Tucson after she passed away I’d drive by that house and I’d hear her say that “I Know”.  When I miss her and I want to call her and talk to her I hear her say “I Know”.  At Christmas when I sing the wrong Joy to the World like she did, I hear her say “I Know”.  Most of all when I want to show her how amazing my sons are and how proud of them she would be I hear her say “I Know”

Do me a favor? Love your Mama for me.

The Mitten - Day One

Happy December 2012! I am back again for another year of Christmas memories and such to share for the next 25 days. We have a bit of a blog redesign this year, I let Matthew help with the color scheme, hope you like it and find it as Christmasy as we do. So without any more prefacey commenty things here we go. . .

How do you decide what your holiday plans are? Do you always do the same things? Do you plan for different activities every year? Do you just wing it? As a parent, does it make it more difficult?

I ask because as a parent it KILLS me christmas since we moved to Denver. What I want, what I believe is the right thing, is that now that we live here in Colorado it is important for us to make friends here, to embrace this as our home and to make our holidays here. I also believe that holding on too tightly to the past and what we left behind in Oklahoma isn’t good for anyone. But when my boys tell me they miss their friends, that they miss their church, and most importantly that they miss their grandparents, it is difficult for me not to make that happen.

Before we became parents Kat and I went and did for the holidays based on external factors. What were Stephanie and Clyde doing? Were Kat’s folks coming to town? What were my Mom and Jenni doing? The one important thing for Kat and me was always that we had our Christmas party the Saturday before Christmas. Then we became parents and other things came in to play. It is challenging to travel with a baby. So staying home became the norm. Once Kat’s parents moved to Oklahoma it became easier to stay home and not travel.

Years ago I read a Dear Abby letter that had a woman complaining that they always traveled when her children were young and as a result never formed any holiday traditions of their own. I don’t even remember Abby’s answer, I know that I thought the woman was a whiny baby and missed the importance of being with her family and I wondered what kind of hag she was that her grown children didn’t want to spend the holidays with her. And now here I am, on the horns of a dilemma. All of my options are good, but what is the best for my boys? What is the best for my family? What makes Kat happiest? Am I the only one that struggles with this?

No matter what I choose someone will be let down. That is difficult for me. You can say there is always next year, but is there really? As I write this I haven’t made a decision yet, but my timeline is counting down, so I have to decide soon. It is something like my own personal version of the lady or the tiger. Which holiday wrapped door do I choose?

***When I wrote this in advance of December 1 I had not made a decision. Since then I have made a decision and even though I can’t satisfy everyone, the smiles on my boys faces when we told them our decision let me know I made the right decision.