The Year of the Perfect Christmas Tree - Day 20

How do you make room for Christmas? Do you clean off the mantle? Maybe move pictures from atop the piano? Do you rearrange furniture to make room for the tree? How do you make room for Christmas in your life?

I am not sure about anyone else, but my life is very full. I work full time and then some. The boys’ schedules keep me busy. I try and keep it a secret but I also go work out a few times a week. None of this gives me a lot of spare time for things like making cookies, decorating trees, or making gingerbread houses. If I don’t have time for the smaller things like that, how do I make time for the bigger Christmas things? How do I make room for Hope? Peace? Joy? Love? If this season is supposed to be about honoring Christ’s birth how do I make room for that?

I heard a sermon once where the preacher equated preparing for Christ’s birth to preparing your home for the holiday season. There was a whole analogy of clearing out the living room so you can bring in the biggest tree and place it in the picture window in the front of the house so that it decorates both the inside, and also can be seen from outside the windows. It wasn’t a bad sermon, and I understand where he was trying to go, so I am choosing to ignore some obvious weakness of the analogy, as well as the whole, “did I really just hear a sermon about a Christmas tree?”

The boys and I had to move a trunk we use as an end table. We had to bring the tree and decorations up from the basement. In terms of actual rearranging the house that isn’t a very big commitment. The bigger commitment was the time it took to get the decorations together, and the time commitment to get the boys to agree to decorate the tree with me. How does that fit the analogy? Believe me there has been little Peace in my house this holiday season. If I struggle to carve out time to hang a garland how do I carve out time for Hope? If I failed to get it together to hang lights on the house, how much more likely am I to find the time for Joy? When people drive by my house, or come for a visit, I want them to see a beautifully decorated home, but people live here, and it definitely isn’t always a shiny inviting page from a holiday home magazine. I want people to look at my life and family and see Love, but again, I am human, and certainly flawed.

If I fail at reorganizing my life for these giant important themes of the advent season, can you blame me for failing to find time for silliness like gingerbread houses, or Christmas caroling? Except that somehow I do find time for some of the silliness. The boys and I did get the tree decorated. We watched the Charlie Brown special. We made time for a light parade with my sister and her kids. Maybe if I haven’t carved out a big place for Hope, Peace, Joy or Love, and if I myself am not a glowing example of those aspects, maybe it is enough that there are moments of these in my life.

Last night Matthew and his mama fell asleep on the couch cuddled up under blankets and a cat, and that was Peace. Every time my Paul and my Matthew do the Christmas dance, that is Joy. When Kat shares that she stopped on her way home to give food to homeless people, that is Hope. And, this feeling I have for these crazy, silly, fascinating group of people that make up my family, that is Love.

So maybe the analogy of cleaning your house to display the shining Christmas tree of perfection doesn’t work for me. Maybe a better analogy of preparing for Christmas is like pouring milk into a bowl of cereal. The bowl seems full before the milk, but there is still room to add it, and instead of displacing the cereal, or having to remove the cereal to make room for the milk, the milk flows around and fits into the available space. So maybe the important parts of Christmas are flowing around the other parts of my life and filling in the spaces? I’d like to believe that is so.

Day Three 2016

Last week I told a friend I was feeling haunted.  I’m walking through this holiday season and everywhere I’m feeling the presence of people I have known and that are now gone.  This feeling of melancholy is not unfamiliar, it just hurts that there are so many recent losses.  I talked about Geraldine yesterday, but there is also my cousin Chris who passed this summer, and the losses my friends have experienced this year, Heather’s father, Tammy’s mom, Renee’s dad, Amy & Erica’s grandfather, and on and on.

These are not my losses, I am not the person most affected by these peoples absence. But I am carrying around sorrow for the people who are.   

I don’t want this to be one of those Christmases.  I know there is Joy, and there is Hope, and I am looking it.  I think about my Mom, and I can hear her voice saying “I know”, but what I don’t hear is her telling me what to do, how to fix this.

I’ve been reading Rumi tonight.  Maybe a 13^th Century Sunni Muslim Sufi mystic poet and theologian isn’t the best way to find my back to some ‘Christmas Joy’ but it is helping me find some peace.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

Because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Sounds too much like ‘this is all preordained’ or ‘God has a plan’ and to be honest I never find comfort there.

So maybe all there is tonight it this; My Mother often told me, “when you are thirsty have a drink of water.” Meaning it is ok to feel what you are feeling in the moment, that it is ok to honor that and then let it go.

I’ve got the feeling it in the moment down pretty good, but I am struggling, really struggling to find a way to let that go.

A helping hand.

How do you know when you need help? Sure when you are dangling from a cliff by the tips of your fingers you need help but how about when you started down the trail? Or when you got the edge of the cliff to look over? Or when you leaned out to take the perfect selfie? At any point someone could have stepped in and given you some help before it was too late.

If you read the blog, or know me at all you have hear me mention our friend Heather.  We know Heather from college, she was in many of my Spanish classes with me, and she and Kat had many we should be studying giggle fests.  After College Heather moved to Austin, but in 2001 she moved back to OKC and became a more or less constant part of our lives.  In fact, when I was traveling for work most of 2010 and 2011 Heather stayed with us and was a huge help to Kathleen.

But this is not about that.  This is about party prep 2009.  It was bitterly cold, the Friday before the party and I had reached the “This house will never be ready” stage, Kat was at “No one is coming and there won’t be enough food!”  About noon there was a knock on the door, and there was Heather.  “I thought you could use some help.”

The thing is, very few people can help.  It isn’t easy to step into the kitchen with Kathleen and work alongside her without being more in her way than helpful. But Heather is one of those people.  We had lunch, then Kathleen and Heather rolled truffles, and bonbons, made cookies, and that last minute batch of fudge. Sometime before dinner Heather was the angel that helped our tired brains figure out what serving dishes we needed to serve the food for the party, and cleverly labeled them with post its to avoid confusion.   She worked tirelessly, and was in such good spirits and so quick to laugh, it made the work enjoyable.  The later it got Heather even said she had her nightgown in the car and could take a catnap on the couch so we could get an early start, but thankfully, with her help we wound down around 2am. 

Heather is back in Owasso where she grew up. With her family, who, I am sure, are delighted to have her there.  I don’t completely hate her family for that, Just maybe a tiny bit.  You see there have been so many times this week as we are crazy preparing for things that someone has said, “That’s a Heather thing,” only to realize someone is going to have to suck it up and do it ourselves.

When I tell Heather that she is our favorite, I might not be kidding.

Not a Christmas Party Picture

Do you hear what twenty-three?

Do you have a favorite bible verse? Is it your favorite because it speaks to your heart, or because you memorized it in bible school when you were a child and have never forgotten it? I think both are equally valid.

Kat has Isaiah 54:10. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you. Her dad shared it with her when she was in HS or College and she memorized it, and it has helped her through some tough times.

My boys both love Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly[a] with your God. They learned it at camp the first year my Matthew got to go and it has stuck with them. Twice since then they have heard sermons on that verse in church and it always provokes a conversation after church.

I know I have different verses memorized, but the only one that comes to mind is that one about sexual purity that I learned my freshman year at OBU. Don’t ask. And no, it wasn’t something that I thought really applied to me, it was one that OTHER people thought applied to me. I said don’t ask.

My Matthew’s favorite verse? It is found in Luke chapter 2 And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men' Yes it is the bible verse from Charlie Brown, but that is not why it is his favorite, even though Linus is his favorite. About 3 years ago his children’s choir did a Christmas musical and he was selected to read that line. He had never been chosen for a speaking part in church before and even though he is the original class clown, he took it very seriously, and had it mostly memorized even though he was allowed to read it.

From that time on, when he hears it, he says ‘that’s my verse papa!’ Maybe he just means that it is the verse was his line. But I like to think he means more than that, because a verse about an angel sharing the good tidings of great joy is a powerful message for a child. For any of us.

God Rest you Merry, Twenty-Two. .

In 2007 at work all the employees were given jackets with our company logo on them. The jackets were very warm but for one reason or another I never really wore mine. Last year when I started traveling to Denver I resurrected the almost new jacket and wore it to the office. My coworker Candi wears hers as well, and every time we wear them everyone in the office makes a big deal about how great they look and how can they get one. They were not popular when we got them the first time, and they were not an inexpensive gift, but to hear people talk they are much in demand.

So we did some looking and were able to locate the same jacket and ordered them for some of the office staff for this year. At $65 a pop I wanted this gift to be a huge success. Only, of course it wasn’t. The jackets fit differently and the people that got the jackets would rather have the thermal shirts and bags that the other employees got. All this to say, sometimes, maybe it’s better not to try and replicate things we liked about past Christmases.

I am telling myself this in attempt to let go of the feelings I have when I heard that the church here in Denver is not having Christmas eve services. When Kat shared that info with me I said the most unchristian hateful things. I know you are shocked. But really, it is Christmas Eve. The night that we are supposed to be celebrating Jesus’ birth, right? And no church?

I maybe am not the most devote Christian, and I am certainly not the most conservative or traditional one, but I do like Christmas Eve services. I have mocked the one at the UU church in Tucson, but I’d visit it again in a heartbeat. I attended and participated in so many Christmas Eve services at First Christian in Tucson, and I know I would be disappointed to go back, but I would in an instant. First Baptist FBC was not the same, but still familiar when I went back in 1999. And really, I don’t know that I am looking for someone to recreate the Christmas Eve services of my past, but. . .

I fully admit I must be old, or at least ‘old school’ when it comes to this issue. I get it, Christmas Eve on a Saturday night, when you have to have church again on Christmas morning is a lot of church. But how often does it happen? Once every 5 or 6 years? I almost feel like this is the new version of the churches that canceled Sunday morning church because it was Christmas morning back in the 90’s. Really, what is this about? Making more time to be with families? My family wants to be in church on Christmas Eve. Or at least, I want my family to be in church on Christmas Eve.

Sure I could find another church service to attend. With strangers. And maybe I will, but I have a hard enough time making myself go to church with the people I am just beginning to get to know. So I don’t know that I can make myself just pick a new church with strangers for one service.

I remember a conversation that I had with my Granddad Kinkade in 2002 about church. I was telling him I didn’t like the big contemporary churches with the praise bands and choruses projected on the walls, and I asked why it was so hard to just find a regular church like what I was used to. He said you can’t go looking for those churches anymore, because they aren’t there, and even if you find one like that, it’s not really the same as what you want it to be. He said God wants you in church.

So on the one hand, that conversation tells me to accept that maybe those Christmas Eve services I miss don’t exist any longer and that what is important is that I am trying to join in with other believers on Christmas morning. But the part where he said ‘God wants you in church’ also makes me think that maybe God wants everyone in church Christmas Eve.

An Eighteen to remember. . .

Christmas Party Memory

Last night was our annual Christmas party. It was good. It was smaller than the last few years, with a slightly simpler menu but good nevertheless. I wish you could have been there.

Every year when we do our menu there are certain items that get left off the list from previous years. Sometimes it is a matter of time, sometimes no one ate it last year so why bother, and sometimes it is one of those ‘how much is too much situations?’

Last year I ran out of minutes to make the cookie press cookies. Kat assured me that no one would notice amidst all the other abundance of other cookies. Then Christmas eve Kristi Swinney said, “you know the other night at the party I was looking for those cute Scottie dog cookies and I couldn’t find them.” I hate to let people down.

One of the more recent additions to the menu is those tiny bonbell cheeses. I call them baby cheeses and serve them from a pretty silver bowl and then I say things like, ‘it is Christmas, you need baby cheeses’ or ‘let's not forget baby cheeses is the reason for the season.’ I know, it is horribly inappropriate. In my defense I stole the idea from my fake sis Jen-O. When Jen brought her sainted mother to last year’s party, Miss Shirley laughed so I figure it isn’t off the charts bad, right?

As we were setting up yesterday I was thinking to myself, at least this year with so many new guests, no one will ask about something I left off the list. Only then Elijah, who is 11 says “hey where are those little cheeses in the wax? Those are my favorites. What do you mean off the menu? Are you kidding me? MAN! What kind of party is this?!?!?”

I just can’t win sometimes.

Good Shepherd.

The church my family belongs to has the Good Shepherd ministry. This is a ministry designed to help the homeless and less fortunate in our community. Throughout the year the children of the church are involved in several fundraisers, the big one being a dinner and basketball game against the youth. Every time the children score a basket the fans throw cash on the floor of the court and the younger kids scoop up the money.

In November and December Good Shepherd ministry packages up food baskets for Thanksgiving meal and Christmas Dinner for families or individuals that need help. A few years ago the children’s minister thought that maybe the Wednesday night children’s mission classes might like to help with that process. This may have been the best idea of her ministry, (not to downplay other decisions in any way). The kids LOVE this. This year I missed the night they did the thanksgiving baskets, but both boys reported to me about it on the phone.

Paul says it is the best night of Frog (Fully Rely on God, the name of the children’s mission class) of the whole year, and that this year he was a checker with Ushyra making sure the younger kids were not leaving anything out. He reported that the kids were going so fast it was hard to keep up with the pace. Matthew reported that there were some kids that had not had the opportunity to help before, and that maybe they thought it would be boring, but of course they were very wrong, as it was the most fun ever. When it was announced that the church had been able to supply 110 families with Thanksgiving baskets the boys were so proud. However, both boys assure me that they can do more at Christmas.

In the past I have been there when parents come looking for their children after service, and seen the children tell their parents, “I cannot leave yet, we are not done, do you see all those cans left?” They take it so seriously. Those children cannot leave until the last basket is packed, because there are real people in the community that will get those baskets, real people who need those baskets, there are names on the baskets, and those names are for real people, some they may know and some they may not, and this group of children takes ownership of that task. So, even though they can’t always behave in choir, and they run in the halls after Sunday school, and the 6th graders roll their eyes and wish they were youth, I love that mess of kids and love that I belong to a church that encourages them to take part in missions, and to reach out to the community they live in.

Day Sixteen

The Guardian

In 2002 we only had one vehicle, the infamous mini-van. So every morning Kat got up and ready for work and then loaded me and the boys into the van and drove us all to her office. Kat works at the state capital complex, but not in the capital building. In 2002 they had finished the new dome on the capital building and were getting ready to place the guardian on top/

The guardian is the work of renowned artist and former Oklahoma state senator Enoch Kelly Haney. In 2000 his design was selected in a blind competition to find a fitting crown for the dome. The first week of June 2002 the Guardian was placed on top of the dome. Prior to that the Guardian was on display on front of the capital building, and Paul saw it every day, and he witnessed the daily progress made with the giant cranes and the whole process involved in getting the guardian atop the dome. Every morning when I drove home from taking Kat to work he talked about the guardian, and the big trucks. Of course he thought the president lived in the capital building and that the guardian was one of the Native Americans from the Disney movie Peter Pan, but that is not the point.

In 2003 the “friends of the Mansion” group that makes the commemorative Christmas ornaments that are sold to make $ for the Governors mansion choose the guardian as the ornament of the year. I kept telling Kat we should get one for Paul for Christmas to help him remember that year. I meant to, I kept thinking I would, but then I never got around to it. I mentioned to a friend at a Sunday school party how interested Paul had been in that whole process, plus the fact that he had seen it go up day by day, and that he would always be able to say as an adult that he witnessed that part of Oklahoma history first hand. A few weeks later when we had out Christmas party she brought the ornament for Paul.

This is one of those, it means more to me than it does to him things, but there it is. Someday I hope when he is 39 and hangs it on his tree he will tell his kids, “you know when I was just a child I saw this statue placed on the capital dome. . . “