Blue Christmas

I have written before that there are some years I can’t write about.  I confess that I am very worried that this might be one of those years.  The reason I don’t write about those years isn’t because they were bad, I have lots of good memories of those years, but they are tempered with bittersweet.

Christmas 1998 was Kathleen’s sister Stephanie’s last Christmas.  It was a hard year.  I could write about the fact that Kat changed everything about the Christmas Party menu that year (except the fudge) except that I know that was because Stephanie and Clyde weren’t coming and that it was becoming clear that Steph wasn’t going to be coming to any more ever.  I could write about opening presents Christmas eve in Wister and how Clyde purchased chicken themed gifts for Paul, Elisa Gail and his niece Harley because he was working cleaning chicken houses at that point.  Paul still has that chicken toy, and we laughed because it had 2 left feet, so it probably walked with a limp, like Stephanie was.  The problem with that is that it becomes a sad story pretty quick.

I also avoid writing about Christmas 2000, because that was my Mom’s last Christmas.  We didn’t know it, but in hindsight it changes everything.  It wasn’t a horrible year, I flew to Tucson to be with my mom while she had surgery for ovarian cysts that turned out to be cancer tumors.  A few days before the surgery she took me Christmas shopping at a very high end dress shop because she had a gift card and she heard the shop was closing.  The only thing she could find was a dark green skirt and top that didn’t fit her, and really wasn’t her style at all.  She made the decision that the outfit was meant for Kathleen, so she bought her a $200 outfit.  Sure enough the store closed down a month later. Or I could write about wedding dress shopping with Jenni that Christmas the following week, except that I can’t tell it without explaining that my Mom couldn’t do it because she was in the hospital.

Where am I going with this? Kathleen’s other sister Ann has cancer.  I know that confuses some people because Kat only has one sister, Stephanie, and she passed in 1999.  So who is Ann and how is she Kat’s sister?

Ann Patterson Hankins was Stephanie’s first roommate at OBU.  Kathleen met Ann when she was 14 and came to visit Stephanie in Shawnee.  Even after Ann left OBU, and Stephanie graduated they stayed friends, and Kathleen was the younger sister.  When Elisa Gail was born, Ann was at the hospital with our family.  When Ann’s daughters were born, Kathleen was at the hospital.  For years Ann was an extended part of our family, coming to visit when Stephanie and Clyde were in town, hosting sleepovers for Elisa Gail and Rachel when we had Elisa Gail with us.

In 1999 when Stephanie passed away Ann told Kathleen that she would be her sister.  To be fair lots of people said that to Kat, trying to be kind and to comfort her.  No one can ever replace Stephanie, and that is not what Ann meant.  What she did, was step in and do all the things that a sister would do.  Ann loves my children as much as she loves her own nieces and nephews.  She remembers birthdays, she gives wonderful gifts to them.  She has hosted baby showers for both boys, and had us over for dinner. 

Her family has attended most of our Christmas parties, and for many years followed it up by hosting a family lunch the day after for Kat’s parents and any out of town family members.  Matthew still wears the pajamas Ann made for Paul.  Actually she made pajamas for both boys that were the same as she made for her own children.  When Matthew outgrew his, he started wearing Paul’s.  Paul always talks about the amazing cinnamon rolls his aunt Ann always makes at Christmas.  And for many years we went to Ann & Stephen’s house on Christmas night for dessert because inviting people to desert lets everyone’s family have the day together without all the stress of sharing a big holiday meal.

Somewhere in all of this Ann and her family became our family.  She was there with her tribe of children when both my boys were born. My boys don’t remember their aunt Stephanie, but they have so many memories of their aunt Ann. I know that Ann is fighting, and there is every reason to believe she will prevail in this struggle.  I know that, and I pray every day that this is so.  But I am so very scared, and sometimes I cry in the car when I think about this.  I desperately don’t want this for Ann, and I hate that I can’t do anything about it.

If you know Ann you can check out her story on caring bridge here